chapter thirty-nine...
She looked up at the clear sky as she stepped towards Kai's grave, marveling at the blue of the sky, the fluffy white of the clouds, and appreciating the breeze that ruffled her collar and made her stick one hand in her pocket as she walked.
She slowed as she approached the gravesite she had helped pick out, her eyes misting with tears as they always did when she saw 'Kai Lee' etched in the black stone.
Etched in finality.
She had come today for a lot of reasons. She needed closure, she needed to explain so many things, and she needed peace.
She had tormented herself so much over the last two years, and it was time to let that feeling go.
For her own sake.
She knelt at the base of the stone, and lovingly brushed away the leaves and discarded the wilting bouquet of flowers from before. She ran her fingers over the letters of Kai's name, her eyes spilling over with silent tears and blurring her vision.
She sat down on the cool ground and tucked her legs up under her, and wrapped her arms around her knees.
"I don't even know what I'm doing here, Kai." She whispered. "You know I was never one to put much stock in going to a cemetery, in talking to a block of stone. It always seemed so hokey and fake when they did it in the movies."
She looked around the deserted area, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly.
"And yet, here I am. Talking to a block of stone. But I feel like I have so many things to say to you." She said, her voice a little stronger now. "I feel like I have a lifetime of things to say to you, and it just flat out pisses me off that you'll never get to hear them. That I'll never know what your reply would be, or that I'll never get to hear what your laughter sounds like ever again."
She paused, considering her words.
"You know that I probably listened to your voice on the answering machine a thousand times after you died? Just so I could hear your voice. And then one day, I was playing it and I got so angry that you were gone, and I just erased it. About a minute later, I cried and cried, realizing what I had done."
She tucked a strand of hair behind her ears and continued.
"Sometimes I just pop in that one scene of 'Bring You Back' - you know the one? Where you and I are having that conversation on the couch, right near the end of the movie? I watch that over and over sometimes, just so I can see you, so I can hear your voice again, can feel you beside me."
She wiped away a tear by running her cheek across the rough denim of her jeans, watching as the wet spot darkened the fabric.
"So much has happened, Kai. All the things that I thought were going to happen in my life disappeared the day you died in my arms. The day I had to start telling my friends what happened to you. The day I had to put you in the ground forever."
Her tears began streaming down her cheeks, but still her voice held steady as she continued to stare at the words 'Kai Lee' in front of her.
"I was so furious with you." She admitted. "It hurts me so much to say that to you, because I know you would never, never hurt me. But I was so angry at you. For making me love you, for making me feel so safe and loved, and then you just up and left. It took me a long time to realize how mad I was with you." She paused and took a deep breath. "Once I stopped being angry, I was just empty. And I didn't think anything would ever fill that void again."
She watched a flock of doves fly overhead, swooping over the cemetery in wide arcs, their plaintive cries making her shiver.
"And then, slowly things began coming back into focus. I started to work again. I got excited about a new movie. I started going out with friends and the guys again. And I..."
Aerien faltered, debating her next words.
"I met someone. A man." She whispered.
She felt a wave of guilt, of confusion wash over her. In her mind, she pictured what Kai would do if he were alive right now, his dark chocolate eyes watching her as she told him this.
The thought made her stomach knot in pain. She would never dream of hurting Kai, and she hoped that where ever he was, that he could hear her and understand why she had to tell him. Why she had to bare her soul to him, even though he was gone.
She loved him entirely too much not to ever admit this to him.
In a way, though, she felt safe, knowing this would have never happened while he was alive and with her.
"His name is Jeff." She said softly. "He's a really nice man, Kai. At first he was sort of pesky and annoying but he told really funny jokes and he makes me laugh harder than I can remember laughing in a long time. The weird thing is, I think the two of you would have gotten on like a house on fire. He's really funny and open and super talented - he's a screenwriter. Did I tell you that already? You and he look like total opposites... he's got blond hair and he's more wiry than muscular. But you both have the same eyes - warm brown that always seem to be teasing me or making me melt."
Aerien looked away, then back at the dark granite in front of her, realizing she was rambling on and on, though she didn’t have anywhere to be.
"We've gone out a bunch of times, but it wasn't until yesterday that I really realized that I... how much I care about him. I guess I needed to come here to tell you all of that. To finally put a few things to rest, I guess." Aerien paused, and then smiled softly. "In some weird way, it's like I need your approval. I think for the rest of my life, you will be my guiding force, my guardian angel. It's like those stupid bracelets we used to make fun of. 'What Would Kai Want Me to Do'?"
Aerien felt a laugh bubble up from her chest, and she let it out, grateful for the release of emotion, even if it was a choking laugh.
"I loved you more than I thought possible in one lifetime. I will always, always love you, and be eternally grateful for the time we had together. But I think now I need to move on with my life. And I think of everyone I know, you would have been the first to tell me that. Right?" Aerien asked, as though needing his affirmation.
Seeing none, she stood up and brushed off her pants with her hands.
“No one has ever been more important to me than you.” Aerien said, running her hand along the smooth stone. “I’ll never love someone the way I loved you.”
She took a deep breath and looked down again at Kai’s name. “But I think I’m ready to try.”
Aerien turned and walked away, her head held high as she stepped over the cold grass towards her car. She jumped when a dove swooped out of the sky and landed on a gravestone only a few feet from where she stood. It cocked its head, regarding her, seemingly without fear. She stared at the bird, then inched forward slowly until she was but a foot or two away, her hand outstretched. It gave a soft, haunting hoot then took flight again, but as it took off, it brushed her hand with its downy feathers.
It was as close to a sign as Aerien could hope for.
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