chapter thirty-seven...
Her shaking legs barely got her across the room to her couch, where she collapsed heavily, her eyes blinking rapidly to hold back tears.
Tears of confusion, more than anything.
She hear Caviar come bounding into the room at the sound of the front door closing, and she absently patted the seat cushion beside her, prompting him to leap onto the couch and settle his face in her lap. She felt him nudge her hand with his wet nose for attention, and she began to run her hand through his soft fur absently, still trying to make sense of what had just transpired on the front porch between herself and Jeff.
Her first instinct was to call in the troops – to call Alex or Scout or Mouse and tell them what had happened, to beg them to tell her what to do. It dawned on her that they were still dancing the night away at the club, so it was up to her, and only her, to try and figure out what the hell just happened to send her into such a hopeless tailspin.
Aerien took a deep breath as her eyes adjusted to the darkness and she tried to organize her thoughts.
Aerien was a realist.
She didn't believe in ghosts.
She didn't believe in 'messages from beyond the grave'.
Until Kai, she really had never really thought very much about fate.
Now, she didn't know what to think.
She must have just confused the hell out of Jeff, and for that, she was truly sorry. He was probably in his car right now, driving home and wondering what the hell he had just done to make her question him so abruptly, to make her flee from him.
She had hurt him, and that made her hurt, she noted with a twinge of surprise and pain.
She was just so taken aback by his kiss. No one did that. She'd never seen anyone kiss anyone else on the wrist – not in the movies, not on television, not in real life. She always thought that was what made Kai's secret kiss so special, so intimate.
And now Jeff had done it.
Her mind was reeling, and she took several deep breaths to try and calm down, to make sense of the situation before her.
After several minutes, she was finally able to reevaluate the situation with a slightly clearer head. It was time to examine the facts, the hard, cold facts.
She had loved Kai more than she had believed she could ever love anyone. She had given him her heart, her mind, and her soul – had given them freely with the understanding that she had his in return, and that it was forever.
When he died, she felt as though all of that was rejected, obviously through no fault of her own or god forbid, through Kai's. But she still felt rejection, and with that came anger.
Two years of loneliness, of anger, of understanding that she would never love someone that way again had passed. She knew her one chance, her one 'true love' had come and gone in the blink of an eye, before she had even reached her next birthday.
She felt cheated by that. She felt so cheated.
And then…
Then she had met Jeff Danielson. Somehow, over the course of time he had gone from being a pesky, overly enthusiastic colleague to a trusted friend, confidant, and, she hated to admit, someone she really wanted to see more of.
Someone she wanted to see every day. Talk to every day. Be with every day.
That very emotion scared the hell out of her, plain and simple.
But to be with Jeff meant denying all that Kai had meant to her, meant betraying his love for her, and her love for him.
Now this kiss made her think twice about such a steadfast position on the rest of her life when it came to love and relationships.
It was as though…
Aerien rolled her eyes at the very thought that crossed her mind.
As though she had been given a sign that to move on with her life was perfectly normal, perfectly acceptable.
That to dare to love again was not completely out of the picture for her.
That maybe, just maybe, she had been given a second chance after all.
She knew Kai would want that. She damn well knew it was what Alex and the guys wanted. And, deep down, she knew it was what she herself wanted.
She would always love Kai, there was no doubt in her mind.
But she was beginning to wonder if there was room in her heart for two completely different, completely opposite men who for one reason or another, made her heart beat a little faster when they walked into a room.
Why did matters of the heart have to be so difficult, so painful and so completely necessary to the human existence, Aerien mused idly. Why do human beings put themselves in positions every day to love someone, knowing it could be gone in an instant.
Kai had been there, and then he'd been gone in the blink of an eye, the space of a heartbeat.
Finally, it came to her. Just as she had said so many times in the last two years – she wouldn't trade a minute of her time with Kai, even if she had known the outcome of their relationship. The love and happiness he had brought her in that time still far out shadowed her pain and heartache in the aftermath of his death.
With a start, Aerien realized she felt the same way about Jeff.
She was willing to gamble every minute with him, just to be with him, no matter the outcome. Whether they lived to be a hundred or only had a few days together, she knew the gamble would be worth the price.
With a smile into the darkness, Aerien knew she had finally made a decision.
And her heart told her it was the right one.
The best part was, she wasn't even scared.
Not one bit.
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